Decisions, Decisions Pt. 2

It seems like for the past year I have been pulled in all directions. People want to know where you are going, when you are getting married, what you are going to do with your life. I didn't know. I still don't really know. Who does at 21? That doesn't stop the questions.

And it was the questions that were the tipping point.

Am I ever getting out of Missouri? How are we going to afford California? When are you going to make a decision?

It was a little more than I could take. It was a culmination of many months, interviews, applications, and money. It was me realizing that all my work for the past year has been leading up to this point. It was me being genuinely scared that I was never going to make it out of here.

I was mad. I was enraged. Ever since graduating high school I have been aiming to get out of here. I compromised what I wanted to be closer to home and save some money, and maybe still squeeze a few more years out of my waning youth. Now, it seemed like I was just stuck.

So I cried. and cried. and cried. Then I tried reason, but I was coming up short. Short on money, short on reasons, short on faith in myself to make my own decisions.

My excitement to move to California was all but shattered by the seeming impossibility.

Luckily, Tim came to the rescue. He let me cry and tell him everything I was scared of. We went to the park the next day and talked about all our reasons for wanting to be one place or another. The fresh air and a good laugh at Tim while he completely failed at flying a kite helped with the stress. I also reveled in the fact that as hard as this was, at least we had each other.

Before that trip to the park, I was going back and forth with what I wanted. One hour I was set on Illinois, the next I was planning on how I was going to save money to get out to California.

I was at least able to get the big ball of emotions out of the way the night before. I woke up with a clearer head and could at least think logically about the decision. I'm not normally a very emotional person, but it has been a long journey and a big decision. I think at this juncture in my life, I'm allowed to be a little emotional.

But in that moment at the park, watching Tim fail hopelessly at kite flying, I saw not only the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, but also the future I envisioned having with him. Then, the decision was obvious.

My mind has remained unchanged since Friday afternoon. I think we have it. Tim needs a little longer to mull it over, and then maybe we'll tell our parents.

Decisions, Decisions

I cried for six hours last night. I never expected this decision to be easy, but I was hoping it wouldn't be this hard either. In the back of my mind I was hoping I would only get into one school and the decision would be made for me. I'm horrendously bad at making mundane decisions, I apparently fall to pieces when a real decision must be made.

Nonethless, we made a decision. For two weeks we got used to the idea of going to Illinois. It wasn't ideal, but it was somewhere. I visited the school and it seemed like somewhere I could see myself surviving, but that's just it. Surviving. It is obviously the safe choice. And for a while it seemed like it would be the only option for us.

Then came the acceptance to San Bernardino. I was in disbelief for a day or so. I had resigned myself to Illinois, but now a whole new world of opportunity I didn't expect was coming into view. A world of culture, sunshine, mountains, oceans, celebrities, and in-n-out was now within reach. To me, it would be stupid not to take the opportunity, right? Tim had his concerns. I, on the other hand, decided to throw caution to the wind and give into my desire to get the hell out of the midwest.

Maybe.